Communicating With Your Parent About Sexuality and Relationships

Pregnancy Prevention Education often teaches adolescents a variety of communication skills to enable them to talk with their peers about sexuality and sexual risk taking. We believe that effective programs also teach teens skills to talk with their parents about these topics. Talking with their parents about sexuality is important because parents can have a positive influence on their teens' attitudes, feelings and sexual risk taking behavior.

Although teens talk with their parents all the time, they may need some specific guidelines for talking with them about such sensitive and personal topics. Teaching teens the following communication skills can make conversations successful and worthwhile for both the teen and their parents.

The skill of communicating with parents about sexuality and relationships includes the following five components:

Step #1: Define the Topic.
Think through what you want to talk about. Do you want information, do you want to share your feelings, do you want help with a problem, or do you just want a listening ear?

For example, do you want information about family beliefs, about contraception, sex before marriage, or abstinence, or do you want to talk about a fight you had with your boy/girlfriend, or do you just want to share something you learned in your family life class?

Step #2: Pick the Right Timing.
Find a time when you both are free to listen and talk with one another. You may want to set a date to talk or wait until your parent has some quiet time, when they aren't focusing on work or household chores. You could say, "I have some things I want your opinion on. Could we find some time this evening to talk?"

Don't try to have a conversation while everyone is getting ready to leave the house in the morning or when things are the most hectic at home. If you already have a time when you often talk about personal things, that might be a good time to open the conversation. For example, you and your parent may talk while fixing dinner or driving to and from school. The bottom line is to find a time that feels comfortable for both of you.

Step #3: Talk Clearly.
State clearly what you are thinking, feeling or concerned about. You might start the conversation by saying something like: "Lately I've been thinking about ...," or "Sometimes I've been worried about ...," or "Lately I've been confused about ..." and then say as clearly as you can what is on your mind.

It's okay to not always have the right words or to fumble a little bit. All of us have trouble talking about such personal and intimate topics -- even adults. Just say it the best you can. Sometimes as we talk, our thoughts and feelings become more clear.

Step #4: Ask for What You Want.
This step relates back to Step #1. Do you want help from your parent, or do you just want them to listen and hear what you are thinking or feeling? If you can tell them early in the conversation what you want from them, you're much more likely to get it. Parents often are in the role of telling their kids what to do and often automatically take on that role. Therefore, if you just want someone to listen and not have the answers or tell you what to do, you may have to make that request early in the conversation.

Step #5: Listen.
The final step to good communication is listening. Listen to what your parent has to say and follow up later when necessary. Often we are busy thinking about the next thing we want to say instead of carefully listening to the other person. Good listening means you focus on the other person and try to understand what they are thinking and feeling. Sometimes your parents say things you don't agree with or don't want to hear. The most successful communication happens when people not only say clearly what they think and feel but also try to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling.

In addition, you both may not say everything you want to in one conversation. Therefore, it's important to follow up with another conversation later as new thoughts and feelings emerge. You might start the follow-up conversation by saying something like: "Remember when we were talking about .. . ? Well, since then I've been thinking ..."